[Jokes] You might be a magician if...

[donkeykong]

You might be a magician if…

Your best pickup line is "Pick a card."

You tell bad jokes 75% of the time.

You pay $50 for a $1 coin.

A "shell" is not something found on a beach.

You think David Blaine sucks (c’mon how true is this!!!).

You won’t play card games with your cards.

While watching a movie or TV, you have cards in your hands.

You pose for a photo with one eyebrow raised!

You know who Brad Christian is and you always wonder if he’s gay or not.

Your Christmas/Birthday wish list looks like a magic catalogue.

If you've ever been asked the question "can you make my wife disappear"?

You’re back-ordered for rabbits and doves at the pet store.

You use the word "effect" rather than "trick".

You drive 300 miles round trip to visit a teeney-tiny store.

You have over 100 responses to the phrase "How did you do that?"

There’s a pack of cards in sight as you read these words.

You're holding a fan of cards in every photo that you're in.

You actually want to go to a lecture.

You have a dog named "Houdini".

You record every magic special on TV.

You wear playing card pajamas.

You get emotional when shuffling a new deck. (So true!)

Anytime you see someone you want to meet, you start rolling a coin or doing one-handed shuffles with a deck.

You have more than three decks of cards on you at any given time.

No one will play cards with you....ever.

Your idea of the perfect proposal is Copperfields 'Rose to Ring'

All your friends call you when magic is on TV.

The post office calls to tell you that you have ANOTHER package in.

Your entire friends name starts with "The Amazing" or "The Great".

After viewing magic on TV, everyone in the room looks at you asks, "How'd they do that"? And, all you do is smile and say, "It's really easy if you think about it, but magicians can't tell." And you're really thinking "How the heck did they do that"?

You have your local magic shop on speed dial.

You can lose your thumb and you visit the magic shop instead of the emergency ward.

You pay to see a lecture, buy a written version of what was just demonstrated to you, and then buy a manufactured version of something in the notes.

You pay $60.00 for a book and get, possibly, one or two useful things out of it and you're happy.

You have so much magic stuff in your room that it’s considered a fire hazard.

You have more elastic bands than a stationary shop.

You spend hours trying to rearrange the letters in your name to use on stage (only to come back years later using your real name).

You bring your topit or pull to class on exam day incase you need to make an "emergency vanish".

You don't mind kissing a dove.

It really matters to you how someone shuffles your deck.

You expect people to think ‘it's magic’ when it took you half an hour to set up.

You own a top hat, cape and cane and have never gone to the opera.

You began demonstrating the mysteries of ancient China at the age of 9.

When you come to visit, your friends hide all the silverware and bring out plastic ones.

Someone actually hands you a fork and says please bend this.

You say 'how’s tricks?' to a friend and get a 2 hour lecture.

You pretended to be insane just to get the straight jacket.

You can say "I will now penetrate ..." with a straight face.

"Bikes and Ho’s" is not a funny phrase to you.

You spend the most money on things that other people aren’t allowed to see.

The majority of your English papers are about magic.

You have one or more chipped teeth from biting the wrong quarter.

You never throw out old decks because you "can make something out of it".

You carefully watch a card-playing scene in a movie only to see what kind of cards they’re using.
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Just for the male magicians:

Your girlfriend knows the sound of riffled cards over the phone.

You force your wife to take fertility drugs, so you can do those illusions that use twins....

You see a beautiful woman and think if she will suit your act.

Magic turns you on more than women do.

You spend more time in front of a mirror than your girlfriend does.

You show your girlfriend the same trick everyday insisting that "I've improved it greatly".

Your wife tells you "we are going out to dinner, now dear, please leave your toys at home".

You are the only one of your male friends that has a nice "silk collection".

You ask every waitresses you meet "do you have a minute"

-------------------------------------------

I'll add (from experience):

You get stopped everytime going thru X-rays at Security Checks at Airport or Immigrations. And you have to sort of clarify what each gimmick does otherwise you will be sent to Guantanamo!

You can safely get thru the Airport Security Checks for hand lugguage (even its heavily overweight because you are carrying quite a few decks).. hehe... because the excuse you tell them is that 'you are a magicians, and you like to perform tricks to entertain people on the long haul flight'...HEHE.. It does work!

Add on more whatever you think fits the bill...

[necro506]

Omg Rotflmfao!!!!! This Is Hilarious!!!! I Can't Stop Laughing!!! Hahahahahahha

[donkeykong]

You know you're a Magician when.....

You rate women in terms of how they'd fit the Zig Zag Illusion box rather than your bed.

You expect to buy your Christmas Cards at discounted 'brick' prices.

Your ever-loving asks if you've emptied the dustbin and you insist on taking a silk out of it just to prove it's empty.

You check your small change regularly in case you find an unintentionally spent Coin Unique.

You know that Houdini died in Detroit, Michigan at Grace Hospital in room 401 at 1:26 P.M. on October 31, 1926 but forget your own wedding anniversary.

Even your pajama pocket contains enough props for a 15 minute act.

Your credit card statement reads like a directory of International on-line magic suppliers and.....

Your Christmas prezzie wish list reads like one of their catalogues.

You know at least three different ways of levitating - and none of them involve camera trickery!

You see IT on your child's school syllabus and are disappointed to find it really means Information Technology.

You express righteous indignation at all these totally unnecessary Masked Magician type exposure TV shows - but watch and record them anyway in the interests of 'research'.

Your ever-loving whispers seductively that tonight's the night where you can get really close up - and you immediately start arranging chairs around the table to give you the best angles.

You've been to your local stationery superstore at least twice to buy rubber bands

You're other half finds a signed playing card down the side of the sofa

You become obsessive about keeping your fingernails clean

You're standing in a shop queue, and start palming coins out of boredom

You suddenly respect the Jokers in a deck of cards as much as laypeople respect the rest of the deck

You openly criticise TV magicians - instead of saying 'wow' - when they do something amazing

You find yourself being able to remember at least the first and last four digits on your credit card, and know the signature strip code off by heart

You find yourself saying things like 'ordinary', 'regular', 'normal' before you say the word 'deck' ???

You smile inwardly and restrain yourself (as opposed to getting excited) when a layperson in your midst starts performing 'parlour' tricks down the pub

You gesture, hypnotically

You spend more time in front of the mirror than you're better half

You talk to yourself whilst alone at night, rehearsing your patter

You suddenly start buying Sharpies and Double-sided tape for the first time in your life

You start spotting Bicycle decks being used in films - and wonder why no-one else knows what the heck you're talking about

You find difficulty remembering jokes - but you can easily remember the names of effects and tricks - plus their authors

You open a PayPal account

You don't mind waiting for movies to load on internet pages

Someone orders a 'Scotch and Soda' at a bar, and you smile

You have an above-average knowledge of American and Chinese coinage

You can't sit down for dinner in a restaurant without 'scoping' the table for props or reasons to do a trick

You have a fascination with the postie's round

You become impatient and frustrated more easily by trivial things - such as a practicing a coin roll or how many Charlier cuts you can do in a minute

You appreciate the beauty of playing cards

You suddenly know what 'phalanges' are

You're perceived interpretation of what a 'stripper' deck is has changed dramatically from the one's you remember seeing in 'those' seaside shops when you were an adolescent

You start to wonder if you're hands might be smaller than average

You've never seen an aadvark - but you talk about them a lot

You've not said the words 'abracadabra' or 'hocus-pocus' in recent memory

You can't resist an off-table riffle shuffle when playing cards with friends

You sometimes wish you lived in the USA

You experience the "lord of the Rings effect", which is when you walk around with a TT in your pocket and get a constent inner calling to put your hand in the pocket and just slip it on for a few minutes, knowing full well that it WILL be invisible.

When learning to palm a coin you walk around all day with your hand shaped like a claw trying not to be too obvious, picking up pens and books - just because you can.

You can't pick a pen up without checking to see if the end comes away.

If anyone is wearing a jacket you constantly watch to see when the best time would be to slip a card in their pocket.

You can't go five minutes in any day of any week without wondering if any new messages have been posted on talk magic.

You can't look at a rubber band without wanting to make it penetrate something!

Your trousers contain "tardis" pockets. They are stuffed full of so much stuff you feel like a schoolboy - and half expect to pull out a catapault and a stick of gum evertime you look for something

When buying new trousers - your main consideration is how many pockets it has. (M&S do some great ones btw).

When you meet an attractive lady in the pub, your first thought is "I wonder how she'll act if she finds a spider on the back of her hand?"

The phrase, 'May the Force be with you' doesn't make you think of Obi-Wan Kenobi.

You know you can see an Invisible Deck.

Someone asks you where they can find the Khyber Pass and you refer them to RRTCM.

You avoid metal topped desks and radiators in case your R***n is attracted to them and you end up stuck there all night.

You find nothing strange about a sentence which consists of abbreviations such as TT, IT, CMH. (And why is 'abbreviation' such a long word anyway?)

The only passes you make at girls are when you do your Ambitious Card routine.

You named your kids Elmsley, Charlier, Hofzinser, Jordan and Biddle.

When holding a dinner party you are serving the vegetables and you say, "Pick a potato. Any potato..."

you hold your knife and show three spots on one side...

You have cherries for afters and show everyone how you can tie a knot in the stem with your tongue.

The after dinner drinks come with a sheet of rubber stretched over the top.

When making a ham sandwhich you do a D/L - to how the ham is actually on top...

When getting married, you are wondering how to incorporate a trick into the speech. (no seriously I am, next week - if anyone has any ideas...)

[drmad]

hahaha nice one

[Kirbynator]

xD very nice i like this :

Even your pajama pocket contains enough props for a 15 minute act.
xDDd

[donkeykong]

I'll add that, even your simplest pajama probably have more than 2 pockets, which are hidden.

If you can't sleep, you probably count cards rather than sheep. hehe..

[necro506]

"You suddenly start buying Sharpies and Double-sided tape for the first time in your life" --- hahahah!! how true is this!!

[donkeykong]

haha... ya... i never used to bother... magic markers all seems the same, as long as it does what i want, either permanent or non permanent... but then suddenly everyother brand just doesn't feel right, and i have to go to different stores just to find sharpies (cos sharpies ain't popular in where i am)... haha... and sharpie seems like a great magic wand.. other brands just doesn't feel right when i try to pretend its a wand... darn... hehe...

And as for double sided tape... it seems we just have to look for 3M's.... others just isn't as thin enough.. HAHA...

[necro506]

yeah lol...if I have to use a normal permanent marker I'm always thinking "this effect would have been better with a sharpie" (notice how I said "effect" instead of trick hahah). Actually I can recall a time I was at a friend's place, wanted to practice my ambitious card routine, and I asked him for a sharpie, and he's like "nah, i got this permanent marker" and I'm like...nevermind, don't wanna do it.

[necro506]

Man, the funniest thing happened a few days ago. I was using my laptop watching some of Cyril's performances. I had my deck of cards next to me as well as my glasses. So my brother walks into the room asking me something, and I'm not really responding...pretty much just mumbling and saying "uh huh" etc etc. Then my brother gets pissed off saying "ANSWER ME!!" and then "That's it! I'm taking your cards" so he dives for my cards... and I quickly get to them before he does. Then I notice that he squashed my glasses (screwed up the frames and one of the lens fell off). I got sooo pissed at the time, but I got it fixed for free, so it was okay (still under warranty).

Now here's the funny part...after looking back, I realize that what I did was protect my cards (which cost $10 and wouldn't have gotten damaged unless he spilled water on them) OVER my oakley glasses which cost me $500. hahahah.. talk about "instinct" hahahaha.

[7abasheeko]

I want to thank you all for these gr8 posts u really made my day hehehe i want to thank especialy donkeykong for his gr8 effort

[nlz]

Where did you find this list? There are some of them which are really hilarious. I want that book !

[jamme]

When holding a dinner party you are serving the vegetables and you say, "Pick a potato. Any potato..."

HAHAH that's classic!!

[Alex Hess]

You can say "I will now penetrate ..." with a straight face.

My favorite line ; ) - it's so damn true.

Great post, 100 times!

[Boomstick]

Rofl!! Soooo funny!!
I almost pissed my pants!
Im still laughing

You experience the "lord of the Rings effect", which is when you walk around with a TT in your pocket and get a constent inner calling to put your hand in the pocket and just slip it on for a few minutes, knowing full well that it WILL be invisible.

Loved that one!!